Guest post by Nadia Ramoul
The day of the budget I sit bleary eyed and disappointed. Osborne has just doled out many an injustice and brayed loud and unpleasant insults on a feeble looking Ed Milliband and chums. Oh, woe. There are many terrible things in this world. If I filled myself with rage over every one then I would brim over, never sleep, feel a constant state of misery. Luckily most things can pass through my passive little radar with grunts of annoyance and a sternly written email at most. Blood pressure remains low, breathing remains regular. A day before, however, I was greeted with news that shook me to the very core:
Michael Bay is directing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Film and another piece of my cherished childhood is to be reimagined in the foulest way possible. He has spurned me before, you see. Allow me to share with you a tale:
First, there was Transformers. Upon hearing of the first movie I was happy as a clam. “great” I thought, a remake of the animated classic I love so much. Epic battles in space and a death scene that chokes me up to this day. I tried to ignore everything surrounding the film, content in my happy, oblivious bubble. Ignorance sure was bliss.
After watching it with friends, a sad wave of disappointment had swept over us like the whoosh of a fast panning shot that rests on Meghan Fox’s tits. Some could barely speak, shocked into silence. Others among us voiced our distaste loudly and vehemently in the pub. All night we ranted but to no avail, the sour taste of betrayal hung around in my mouth like so much oil spurting from Jazz’s mutilated and comparatively tiny corpse. Suffice it to say we were shaken.I put it out of my mind. Days turned to weeks turned to months and eventually the taste was gone. After a while though, there were rumbles of a second film. Try as we might, my merry band and I could not keep away. Like filthy addicts we slunk back to the cinema, paid our hard earned cash and for over two hours had our intelligence insulted and eyes brought to tears by the overblown, bloated mess of plotholes, questionably racist stereotype robots and army guy gumf. Oh dear. Like a spurned lover I did not return for a third round. Michael Bay had fooled me twice, the sneaky fellow, I couldn’t bear for him to fool me a third time and get his paws on more of my money.
I ignored Transformers 3 like one ignores a loud hyperactive child on a crowded bus. There it is, everywhere in your face, screeching and dancing, but you don’t look directly at it lest it target you for conversation. Despite reports that it was an improvement on the monstrosity of the second installment my trust had already been scorned and I couldn’t bring myself to find out for myself.
A little while later, I had forgotten about Michael Bay and his destruction of all I deemed holy. My other treasured 80’s cartoons remained intact, preserved in the thick amber of memory. Those that had been tinkered with remained more or less faithful. Again, I found peace.
But lo, upon my online meanderings, what do I happen upon but dreadful harrowing news; Michael Bay is to make a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film, but with a wily twist – you see, pizza guzzling sewer dwelling mutant Turtles named after Renaissance painters are not exciting enough for our friend, no no. In another devestating twist of the jagged knife that Michael Bay has planted firmly in my back the turtles are in actual fact FROM SPACE. Digest that for a second. Try to stop weeping. That’s right. Space. I assume Splinter will also be from space too, or they just happen upon a giant elderly rat on their earthly endeavours.Suffice it to say, the internet is not best pleased with this revelation – even the guy who voiced Michealangelo has thrown his hat into the increasingly irate ring, accusing Bay of ‘sodomizing’ the original films and sadly adding that ‘the rape of our childhood continues.’ Truer words were never uttered. And Bay will still laugh all the way to the bank.
Yes, I admit this is extremely petty when there are wars on and bankers screwing us and we’re all going to die of cancer but come on. What next? My Little Pony in a dystopian future with cannons sporting from their haunches? Dungeons and Dragons in a ‘Saw’ type setting with all the fantastical elements the result of powerful hallucinogens? When will it end? I for one do not want to find out.